Cristin eats jelly beans; much time is wasted due to lack of energy
31 January 2006In the name of science, I have dutifully recorded this morning’s experience with Jelly Belly’s Sport Energy Beans.
Serving size is 14 but my packet came with 15. They are electric green in color and slightly larger than regular jelly bellies. Packet instructs me to “Energize with one package before activity. Use additional beans as needed during activity to sustain energy level.” For our purposes, “activity” will be defined as (1) cleaning out conference room and (2) updating excel spreadsheets.
10:33- 10:37 am: Energy level is at about a 6 of 10. Ingest 15 beans. Taste is reminiscent of Gatorade. In fact, am suspicious that beans are Gatorade in gel form. Begin searching Gatorade website. Cannot find listing of active ingredients. Do, however, find many fetching pictures of Mia Hamm. Wonder how life with Nomar is.
Sport Bean active ingredients:
Sugar, corn syrup, then 2% or less of many other things. Is 8% of my daily carbs, 20% of my vitamin C, 20% of vitamin E. Vitamin E is also available in plant oils, liver, milk fats, egg yolks, and butter. Acts as an antioxidant and reduces free radicals. Which is good, because that song totally blew. Oh wait, that was the New Radicals. Yeah. You suck.
10:47am: Energy level is slipping to a 5. Cannot bring myself to excel, either in life or on this spreadsheet.
10:54am: I’m bored, so I eat a yogurt. This is mostly so I can get up and walk to the fridge, which is 7 feet away, and chuckle to myself about how the shit was already hitting the fan at 8:30 yesterday morning when people on my floor realized that someone had thrown out everything in the fridge without warning, including the moldy grapes that had been in there for a month, whitney’s blueberry yogurt, and some very expensive protein drink mix. I then remember the last time they blindsided us with the work fridge clean sweep, when my favorite Tupperware with the three sections that did the perfect 2 vegetable: 1 carb: 1 protein ratio was thrown out without a second thought. That was a dark day. The assistants were angry that day, my friends. Energy level continues to hover between a 5 and 6. Am glad I’m not currently engaged in any extreme sports.
10:59am: I google digestion facts to see how long it should take for the energy to be noticeable. Am brought to a page suggesting “self massage” to aid digestion. I would say that it’s hardly worth going blind to keep yourself from having a tummy ache, but what the hell do I know. The webpage tip sheet signs off with “happy digesting!”
11:10am: Am seriously flagging. Beans have done nothing. Am close to looking up who does PR for the beans and showing them the business end of a hissy fit.
11:14am: Bring up excel sheet. Cringe.
11:18am: Boss emails me with minor task request. I’m thankful for the chance to feel competent. Looking at the computer screen is starting to hurt. Depart for conference room organization run before whitney’s noon meeting takes over the place.
11:19am: Get three steps into hallway and realize conference room door is closed as someone is having an actual conference within it. Realize there are 7 different open Excel grids on my desktop. Sigh. Congratulate myself, for the 4th time in a day, on having assembled self into the perfect picture of corporate casual: denim-wash Express pants, button down, sweater vest, blazer, heels, chunky jewelry. Start imagining myself as the poster gal for Young and Cool In New York, the way my father is always trying to paint me to his friends (“Oh, Cristin? She’s doing great. She’s living in New York, with all of her shoes”). Realize I’m relying on Jelly Belly to get all of my work accomplished and stop the self love fest.
11:26am: Realize that one of my bosses is leaving for Michigan in a scant few hours and I should really get all of her work done.
11:28am: Off site staff member that I’ve never met whom I’ve referred to, directly, as being “My excel hero,” stops by to visit on his trip through the NY office. I am thrilled to finally meet the man whose Microsoft prowess I’ve been so admiring of for years. (okay, 9 months). Am inspired to Excel greatness. Energy level jumps to 7.5. I assume this isn’t bean related, but Charlie related. Charlie is awesome. He taught me what macros are. He can do anything in excel. He is the Jack Bauer of Excel grids. He is an Excel ninja. If given a blank Excel grid, a banana, and a dial up internet connection, Charlie could easily resolve the oil crisis, house the homeless, and bring about world peace. The only reason he hasn’t done this is because people like me keep bugging him about their macros.
11:42am: Decide to send funny text message based on the Jack Bauer fact generator. Realize my phone is at home. Get extremely pissed off at myself. Decide to walk it off with a trip to the copier to replicate my quarterly 401(k) statement for my father, as nothing makes him happier than knowing his children are involved in their retirement planning.
11:51am: Concede that beans are a sham. Resign myself to stronger methods of inspiration. Lesson learned: anything over the counter is bullshit. It takes hard drugs to get my ass in gear.
3 Responses to “Cristin eats jelly beans; much time is wasted due to lack of energy”
January 31st, 2006 at 4:34 pm
Wait wait wait. You have active knowledge of excel macros? We’re definitely having a roommate powwow about this sometime in the near future. Get excited.
January 31st, 2006 at 4:40 pm
and i had such high hopes for those beans!
February 2nd, 2006 at 2:19 pm
this. is. amazing. I can relate.