Back in the New York groove
10 November 2006I have returned! Hello, internet! I missed you, too!
I survived my very first sales conference without getting fired or arrested or anything. (Clearing up some confusion– I was not, as rumored, in Puerto Rico. The people that remain gainfully employed at OldJob’s place of employment were all in PR for THEIR sales conference. Considering I burst into flames when in indirect contact with the sun, this was not quite enough to make me jealous. Also– is it weird to see people you work with in bathing suits?) Time will tell as to whether or not I survived it without getting fat which is, as far as I can tell, nearly impossible. The conference center tasked with the large job of feeding me for a week did three buffet style meals a day, clearly not knowing that, when faced with open and endless options for food, I immediately turn into one of those Adopt Me For 23 Cents A Day children with the swollen tummies and the flies and just effing inhale everything in my path. On one special night, I took down spaghetti, eggplant parmesean, crab stuffed sole, salad, potatoes, and an ice cream sundae without thinking twice about it. My philosophy in situations like these has always been to have the buffet purveyors lose money on me, and I think I easily made that happen this week. I should be employee of the week, they got that much of their money’s worth on me. Sadly, that is no longer my philosophy when it comes to open bars after that whole McFaddens/ bar dancing/ 7 train incident so they didn’t lose money on me when it came to cocktail hour, though I did spend a lot of time thinking about how hard it would be to work in publishing if you were (a) pregnant or (b) a recovering alcoholic. Still, I’ve never felt uncomfortable with a glass in my hand, so it worked out okay. It’s hard to be “on” from 8 in the morning until 10 at night every day–it kind of reminded me of staying at The Boyfriend’s parents’ house, only with exponentially more talk of childrens’ books and more people throwing around fun terms like “the Harry Potter effect.” I was happy to be there and comfortable around everyone but still a little “how many people in this room are noticing that I blush when I get nervous?” and “is it weird that I devoted so much luggage space to shoes because of my No Repeating Footwear Within A Week rule?” Luckily, we were allowed to expense on demand movies, so on the night when I was too exhausted to even bowl (a popular recreation among sales reps, as it turns out, that has me trying to come up with funny and witty names for a potential corporate bowling team, and also saw me telling the “I was in a bowling league in 2nd grade and I have my own ball and its purple and has my name on it” story at LEAST four times) I collapsed in bed with John Tucker Must Die, largely so that I could join in the “Hey, did you watch John Tucker Must Die?” conversations that were going on at breakfast each morning.
As stellar as I was in those exchanges, the best one was when I walked into a conference room to hear someone say “I’m so happy he’s gone,” to have someone jokingly reply “Do you mean Rumsfeld or Kevin Federline?” which lead to me yelling “WHAT HAPPENED WITH KEVIN FEDERLINE?!??” even though I had no idea whatsoever what the Rumsfeld news was. Excellent priorities, Cristin. Someone was kind enough to impart me with the info on the Britney divorce, and her commentary that she had reached her goals of having two kids by the same father early enough that she could still go back and concentrate on her career. Is this the greatest thing that anyone has ever heard, ever?
I made a small and accidental career out of my Britney Spears obsession in college. I dressed up as her freshman year for Halloween and spent the following 4 years entirely devoted to her and all things her, similar to my current feelings about pirates. And, just as people are constantly emailing me or calling me or MySpacing me about anything pirate related, I still have a core group of people that will alert me to any and all Britney related news (Ree and Tifaux Dan, primarily). And then she goes and divorces her dirtbag husband during a week when (a) I am on lockdown in a conference center in westchester (b) I do not have access to the NY Post, though one of our President/ Publishers did tell me their headline choice, which I applaud wholeheartedly (“Fed-Ex”) and (c) there’s an effing election going on and I’m surrounded by intelligent people that actually want to discuss it. It was almost torture. I don’t even know how to spell the word politics, and I didn’t know until the retuns came back that my state was electing a govenor– this isn’t something I’m proud of, and it’s one of my Things To Work On For 2007 (along with, Nix The Belief That Black & White Cookies Are A Suitable Breakfast Substitute). I had to wait almost four days before I could force someone into discussing the end of the union with me. I really think that, just as the next four years are going to be hilarious and terrifying in children’s publishing because WHAT ARE WE GOING TO DO AFTER HARRY POTTER OH MY GOD PEOPLE SERIOUSLY, the next four years in Britney will be the most thrilling yet. If she can reinvent herself after this shitshow then she deserves all the money and all of the fame in the world, as well as all of my affection. I hope she’s on the phone right now with the johnny cochrane of publicists, because to get her acquitted from the last three years or so is going to be a Herculean task and I cannot wait– CANNOT WAIT– to watch the attempt.
8 Responses to “Back in the New York groove”
November 10th, 2006 at 11:10 am
Dude. Is your friend Ree from William & Mary and before that, upstate NY? If so, the odds are good that I went to high school with her.
Also, I think I work with someone who knows you from your high school.
Why does everyone know you??
November 10th, 2006 at 11:19 am
Yay, Westchester! It’s no Puerto Rico, but at least we have trees! Where were you stranded: White Plains, Purchase, or Tarrytown?
November 10th, 2006 at 12:05 pm
Woah, Jesse, woah!! She is one and the same. She reads this bad boy from time to time, but is busy teaching latin to screaming middle schoolers, so I’ll have to point it out to her
And you work with Teresa, from my high school. Your life is 6 degrees of Cristin Stickles.
Tarrytown, baby. Allegedly home of the oldest (single lane, excellent) bowling alley in the state. I love you, tarrytown, with your insane amounts of food and your bowling.
November 10th, 2006 at 12:22 pm
Heh. I wrote about that place for the last issue of the magazine. That bowling alley (well, lane) is a little creepy. Not once you get there, though some windows would be nice, but when that little door under the stairs is closed and you think, “You expect me to believe that there is a pub hidden somewhere behind that tiny door?” I didn’t get to try the food, but that place has awesome views of the Hudson.
November 10th, 2006 at 12:52 pm
Thank God you’re back, and greetings from Puerto Rico, where it’s a culinary smorgasbord 24/7, most of it chicken! The news from this sales conference is that there is a world of unjustness going on, all of it related to the recent broadcast of VH-1’s 100 Greatest Songs of the 80’s. TELL ME how New Edition’s “Candy Girl” outranks Prince’s “Little Red Corvette”, or how Bon Jovi, Def Leppard,and Whitesnake all broke the top 20 while Cyndi Lauper, the Go-Go’s, and Soft Cell all languish in the musical Siberia that is songs 21-40. It ain’t fittin’. It just ain’t fittin’.
November 10th, 2006 at 1:16 pm
aha! i understand now. people asked at trivia night where you were (because you’re famous) and i said you were at sales conference and they said oh lucky her in puerto rico. it never occured to me that there would be two sales conferences going on at the same time. granted, i did steal the last bottle of white for my team so that could be why. we did not win, obviously, but we had a good time. plus, i knew two questions no one else did! ha! and i won a door prize! hooray.
November 10th, 2006 at 2:10 pm
I’m here! And, yes, Cristin, I believe our girl is back now that K-Fed is now Fed-Ex and she can go back to being her fabulous self.
November 10th, 2006 at 2:36 pm
What a relief. Now, not only can Britney bring the SexyBack, but Ryan Seacrest can offically reclaim his role as the #1 most useless celebrity. There is a fairly quality video clip (http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=c-Nayhy4rHE)of the interview the Fed was in when he got the TEXT MESSAGE alerting him to his new marital status. Told on a text message. That’s low for even the Fed.