‘Tis the Season, Part Two: What comes after the hermit crab?
12 December 2006Last year I spent a lot-a LOT- of time agonizing over my office grab bag gift. Little did I know that the gift exchange was set up in such an anonymous way that, if you wanted to, you could never take blame/ credit for the gift you put in, leaving everyone wondering who was bold enough to wrap vibrating soap in a padded jiffy mailer and slap that down amongst the presents (that actually happened. Vibrating soap). If I had known about the anonymous factor, I might have done something even more bold than the hermit crab, but I stand by my choice.
I think the best office grab bag/ white elephant/ yankee swap gifts are the ones that sit on the recipient’s desk so that when a colleague comes in and starts a long conversation about P&Ls or prepacks or onsale dates they’re compelled to stop midsentence and go “Wait, is that a {insert name of gift}?” And then you get to talking about it and everyone forgets about work. Those are the best ones. And so, for your consideration:
Office Gifts: It’s Alive!
It’ll be hard to top the hermit crab. But you can try:
1. Sea Monkeys are real, my friend. (Okay, they are really brine shrimp. But they are also really awesome). And here, they are but $9.99. The “original” website claims that today’s sea monkeys are a new hybrid formed after years of careful breeding that should live up to two years. Remarkable.
2. I had a Grow-A-Frog when I was little, which promptly died after hatching. I then kept the body in a biggie in our freezer for several years afterwards for reasons I can’t fully explain. Then in high school someone wrote a piece for our literary magazine about the life and times of their Grow-A-Frog which had a substantially longer lifespan and I became reobsessed. Though Grow-A-Frogs carry a slightly heftier price tage ($19.95), if you raise your Grow-A-Frog well enough you can then graduate it to such exciting habitats as these ones:
Which actually almost looks nicer than my 2 bedroom. And, best of all, their website has a stunningly hilarious FAQ section that would lead you to (accurately, I bet) believe that the #1 FAQ is “My frog looks like it’s about to die.” (One of them is, literally, “I found my frog on the floor.” Somehow, the answer isn’t, “Go kick your little brother’s ass”).
3. A natural extension of the last two suggestions: the Ant Farm ($9.99). I’d actually love love love for someone to have an Ant Farm in the office because, you know, it’s disgusting to have bugs where you work and I bet someone would totally freak the eff out about it. Maybe it’s best for you to do this one if and only if you’ll be leaving your company shortly. In college I became re-obsessed with the Ant Farm of my youth and my roommates handed me a delicately wrapped package with a card saying “the ants are in the mail.” You get the farm, the sand, the watering device, the food… and then you send away and your ants come in a little vial in the mail! How spectacular! Imagine ants marching through your mailroom!
I blame this obsession on heredity. From the stories they tell me, my paternal grandfather also went through slightly obsessive phases like I do (Time Travel/ Oregon Trail/ Crossword Puzzles/ Sea Monkeys, to name a few recent ones) and like my dad does (classic ballparks/ opera/ early christianity), except grandpa’s were stuff like bowling and golf and gardening. And during the gardening one he reportedly special-ordered worms in the mail that he then nursed in large drums of soil in the basement. And while they were waiting for the worms to arrive his lovely children would do things like draw pictures of the worms working their way up the Garden State Parkway, linking together to throw the coin in the basket at the toll booths. So it’s not my fault the idea of getting animals in the mail really gets me going.
Office Gifts: It’s Dead!
1. I was pretty sure Guess Who was the best board game of all time, and then The Boyfriend told me that this family routinely plays Abstract Guess Who over the holidays– you pick a person, and your opposing player asks you probing questions about said person, but instead of the questions being about physcial appearance they’re all things like “Is he a republican?” “Is she a yankees fan?” “Does he drive a volvo?” and you answer according to what you think your selected Guess Who person would do. Perpetuating stereotypes is awesome! Travel sized Guess Who found here, for under $6.
2. Nothing is better than jokes about commies. Well, except for mystical creatures. And so, I give you:
Cold war unicorns! Available here for the low low price of $9.95.
3. Stolen from Sara… a musical pass the pickle game. I… just… there are no words.
3 Responses to “‘Tis the Season, Part Two: What comes after the hermit crab?”
December 12th, 2006 at 2:40 pm
HA — those Cold War unicorns are HILARIOUS.
Also, my friend brought me back Spanish travel-size Guess Who from Mexico. Ti gustas jugar con mi? (I mangled that, I know.)
December 12th, 2006 at 6:16 pm
This year’s contribution to my office grab bag? Vinnie’s tampon case!
http://www.tamponcase.com/cyn/index.html
I’m SO on the cusp of being the scourge of the sales department.
December 13th, 2006 at 12:59 pm
These suggestions are fantastic. Someone in my life needs those unicorns, I just haven’t figured out who yet. My big question, and the thing I’m still stressed about, is what to get my dad. So far I’ve purchased him a Gilmore Girls magnet for $7 on eBay, and though it’s both appropriate and amusing, isn’t enough. I need your help!