Checking it twice
15 December 2006My appreciation of your Christmas card will be directly proportionate to the amount of thought and time I think you put into it, weighing heavily on the message you write and less so on the card itself. Writing “happy holidays!” and signing your name will not win me over, though I will obviously love you more than all of my friends who don’t do cards at all. If you want serious points, you do something like my Aunt Kathy, who not only wrote a witty message about this blog but also name-dropped The Boyfriend in my Christmas card. Points also to Eryn, who did a photo card of her dogs posed in front of the Christmas tree, and then listed the names of the dog ahead of her name and her fiance’s name on the card. Adorable.
Listen. I have bad news. If you’re on my Christmas card list, you’re getting a card from me, but it doesn’t have a single picture of me dressed up like a pirate on it. NOT ONE. I know. I’m devestated, as well.
I’ve been trying for a year to find/ take a picture that would kick this one’s ass in terms of Christmas Card greatness, and I have failed. In my defense, last year’s picture was taken (a) on Halloween, almost accidentally (b) with a disposable camera, so I didn’t even know how great it was until a week later and (c) okay, I don’t have a “c” for you, I just need you to understand how hard it was for me to top this. Once I realized I would have to stage something it became exponentially harder, and I cycled through ideas every day– the statue of liberty pirate? pirate in times square? Would I continue the storybook journey of the pirate on the subway? Where was the pirate taking that subway to? What did 2006 have to offer the pirate? Needless to say, I got a little too up in my head about the whole thing. And the boyfriend and I managed to find an take what seemed like a funny photo at the time, but as we walked away from it I kept asking him “It’s funny, right? That’ll be a funny one. I think it’ll be funny. Right?” And if you have to ask yourself, then it isn’t funny. (This is like how if anyone ever says “My friends say I’m funny” or “My family thinks I’m funny,” that means they aren’t. If you’re funny, you just say “I’m funny.” for example, I, for one, am effing hilarious). Then the next day, when I was so sure that the Baby Jesus would think that I ruined Christmas with my Christmas card, I sent my Jesus-loving father an email at work asking “What if my Christmas card this year was me in a Catholic church, holding the Holy Bible? And what if I was also wearing a pirate hook, eye patch, and T shirt that said ‘God is My CoPirate?’ Would you and/ or God hate me for that? Please advise.”
Dad wrote back “I think it will be okay. God loves everyone, even nefarious pirate types.” All the same, I don’t think God would love me for this one:
(By the way, that Tshirt was one of my anniversary presents from The Boyfriend. He wins, right? In the immortal words of Mariah carey, all I want for christmas is {him}. Amazing, no? I unwrapped that shirt and immediately wanted to get accidentally pregnant so I could trap him into marriage. (KIDDING, DAD) Also, please note that you can see the mass hymns over my right shoulder. That’s my favorite part of the picture).
But beyond it being slightly/ totally blasphemous (let’s also add in that this is trinity church down on wall street, a national landmark that’s yards away from ground zero), I think it’s just not as cool. Not only do I not look as hot (an obvious consideration), this one is clearly staged, and there are no new yorkers ignoring my ridiculousness to be seen anywhere. It’s funny, but it doesn’t beat last year. And The Pirate is way too important to me for me to phone it in on the Christmas card. So, you’re getting regular cards from me. I know for a fact that I’m only on some of your christmas card lists so that you’ll get the pirate picture from me. I ask that you hang in through 2007. I have high hopes for next year.
I also love Christmas Cards because it’s an excuse to put things into Excel (NERD ALERT!) other than weekly sales reports, as that is something I spend roughly 4 hours a day looking at. And that means I can sort the people out in all kinds of ways and make fun generalizations about them! This time last year, my card list shook out like this. This year, with 47 entries not counting professional contacts, we see that:
38% of people have moved in the last year.
23% live in Manhattan
12% live in another borough of NY
19% are married (2% to someone of the same sex)
14% are living in sin
14% own their own homes. 8% under the age of 28 own their own homes. (28 is my “scary age.” Can you tell?)
100% {projected} will be disappointed by the lack of pirates. Le sigh.
2 Responses to “Checking it twice”
December 15th, 2006 at 1:52 pm
NOOOOOOOOOOO! I was so looking forward to the piratey x-mas card. great shirt though!
December 16th, 2006 at 6:24 pm
Ironically, I got my birthday/Holiday greetings in the mail today from you and I tore open the envelope in excitement, hoping for some pirate action. Alas. Maybe next year!