I’m a PC and I’m twenty seven and three quarters
23 February 2009You know those commercials where 4 year olds show you how they can upload pictures and send them to their grandparents? Christ, those kill me. I didn’t like the I’m A Mac/ I’m A PC ads because I think John Hodgman beats Justin Long 7 days a week and twice on sundays so the point was kind of lost, but these new ones with the tiny adorable babies working on their laptops are really working for me.
So when I woke up at 6:15 on Friday morning (after sleeping for the previous 12 hours, which was the only reason for that early wake up time, trust me) and realized that something was gnawing at the inside of my apartment walls, my first thought wasn’t “huh, maybe I should call my super,” it was “let me get this on videotape and see what the internet has to say about it.”
What’s eating Cristin’s kitchen wall? from Cristin on Vimeo.
And I stand by that decision. If I had just called people and been all “I think that advanced sonar technology would be able to judge the size of this beast in my wall based on the loudness of its chomping, but my untrained ear is putting it at somewhere between Large Squirrel and Small Beaver” everyone would have rolled their eyes and thought I was exaggerating because, you know, that’s what I do. But with the video, I had PROOF, and I put the proof on the Facebook, and everyone freaked out along with me. Most responses were along the lines of “Okay, seriously, what the eff is that?” but people had plenty of helpful responses ranging from “throw an amonia-soaked towel into your heating duct to scare it away” to “the only thing worse that having it in there alive would be having it in there dead, so call your super.” That last one I have to disagree with, though, as I could think of plenty of worse things than having it die in there. Like if I came home and it was sitting on my couch and had ERASED MY WHOLE DVR, that would be awful.
It was gone by the time I got home on Friday. Or, at minimum, it had realized that I was alarmed by its epic chewing noises and is now quietly lying in wait, hoping that the noise of its stomach grumbling doesn’t re-alert me to its presence before it has time to enter my apartment, take my turtles hostage, and start making demands.
After I posted the What’s In The Wall video I realized that my older brother hasn’t yet seen my apartment and might not have a real chance to anytime soon since he has just moved to a new time zone and I didn’t want his only experience with my home to be trying to figure out what was destroying it, so I made him this extremely exciting tour video of my new place. It’s like Cribs: Sunset Park. Yeah, try to imagine that for a second. I can’t, either.
Right At Home from Cristin on Vimeo.
There are a lot of embarrassing things about this and I think it speaks to my freakishly healthy self confidence that I am able to show The Internets footage of me trying to count all of the pirates in my pirate-themed bathroom, or pointing out “the list of everyone I already know is a Cylon on Battlestar Galactica” that I keep on my fridge. (I am- extreeeeemely slowly- working my way through BSG. Jeremyand I started at the same time and he’s made it up to current episodes while I am languishing in season 3. Jordan is being extremely patient as my BSG guide and he’s also proving himself to be the best Person To Watch A Show With Multiple Surprise Twists as he’s able to poker-face it through all of my “I effing hate her. I hope she dies. Is she a cylon? Also, when they said starbuck had that second surgery, they stole part of her baby makers, right? When did Apollo get so FAT?” without snapping and giving important things away {which is more than I can say for SOME PEOPLE, WEBMASTER KYLE}. Though all of his care might have been for naught since I recently decided to spend some time looking at BSG toys on Amazon {what? Yeah, you heard me} before realizing that they have sets of Cylon action figures and some of them look a hell of a lot like characters I have grown to love and have been assuming are not, in fact, Cylons. WHY, AMAZON? How could you do this to me? I have PRIME, for christsakes!). Also, if you haven’t seen me with bangs yet, here’s your chance.
Bud, I hope you like my apartment.
Unrelated, but awesome: Titus Andronicus is currently touring Europe (I know, right? I hate them. I am currently touring office 654 in midtown) and Andrew (who you might know as “the guitarist” but I like the call “The Responsible One” or “The reason I’m not too terrified that something bad will happen to PJ because I know Andrew won’t allow it” or “My favorite of PJ’s friends” {NB: I don’t make a habit of ranking my brother’s friends, but Andrew once point-blank asked if he was #1 and I confirmed without a moment’s hesitation. Andrew also worked at The Best Children’s Bookstore In The World along with me for many years and kept me entertained when we didn’t have customers to plague us with their “Well, she’s in second grade but she reads on a FOURTH grade level” by explaining to me, in crushing detail, the entire plot of Terminator 2, which I still have never seen}) is actually going to update their blog. So now you can follow along!
Unrelated, Probably Not Awesome: Is it considered racial profiling if I pick what seated passenger to stand near on the D train because I’m predicting what stop they’ll get off on based on their ethnicity?
Unrelated, Seriously Awesome: I finished Wintergirlsby Laurie Halse Anderson this weekend and it beyond amazing. It’s beautiful and painful and made my heart hurt. I didn’t think she could top Speak- I didn’t know if anyone could- but I think I loved this even more.
3 Responses to “I’m a PC and I’m twenty seven and three quarters”
February 23rd, 2009 at 4:39 pm
Yes, your seat-picking method IS considered racial profiling, and actually shows that not all forms of racial profiling need have a negative connotation. Hurrah.
February 24th, 2009 at 11:34 am
Great tour! I especially like the things hanging on the fridge, which is a great window into anyone’s soul, and also the separation of autographed books on the bookshelf. Thanks Cris! I love you too. Bud
February 26th, 2009 at 5:01 pm
I don’t count standing near seated Asians on the D train as racial profiling; you know that 90% of them are getting off at Grand. That’s just behavioral analysis.